Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Confessions of a mom who does not know it all.

Resources and information are a good thing.... sometimes. I will admit that I can sometimes be easily influenced by a good argument. Sometimes I read things (in books or online, whatever) that are helpful and encouraging and I am built up, strengthened in my parenting skills, etc. And then other times I just feel like I'm such a loser of a mom and no matter what "method" you look at I'm doing everything wrong. I mean, I must be doing something wrong because I'm not doing anything just like anyone else.... right? I think my parenting is kind of like my mom's curriculum while she home-schooled us: kind of mix-n-match, a little bit of this method, some of this curriculum, a bit of that guy's ideas, some of so-and-so's instructions. Kind of a hodge-podge collection of the best of everything - right?
So here are some of the things that I do - I don't know if they are all the "right" ways of doing things but they're what I do: I am a somewhat scheduled mom (I'm flexible, but I like to have structure too is that so bad?), I would like to co-sleep but don't because of my husband's sleep disorder (better safe than sorry), I am serious about breastfeeding (the first one I nursed until I got pregnant with the second - about 15mos - and the second one is 9mos old and hasn't started solids yet), I do not promote belief in Santa Claus - I don't think other parents are awful for doing it - I just don't see any benefit in it, I do spank (gasp!) but try to use more creative alternate forms of discipline/correction as much as possible, I love to play and read to my two year old but gosh darnit sometimes I can only read the same board book so many times before I want to tear the pages out, I don't medicate my children over every little sniffle, I do sometimes get offended when given unsolicited advice, I do use the tv as a babysitter sometimes (I'm sorry, but I am only human), I was really really scared (and still am a little) when my son had his seizures, I plan to home-school but I'm not committing to a how long - we'll play it by ear, I know I'm not supposed to but I do sometimes compare my kids - I can't help it, some days I pawn off bedtime on my husband because I'm tired and frustrated by the end of the day, I spend naptime (the short quiet time of the day) blogging and other stuff instead of cleaning house because I need this outlet to keep my sanity, I worry about things out of my control, and even though I don't think this about other moms (really) I sometimes feel like I'm under the microscope and every thing that my kids do "wrong" or whatever is blamed on me.
Sometimes there is a battle of wills going on in my mind. There is a big part of me that believes that I am doing things well and while my kids aren't perfect they're good boys and they know that they're loved and that is more important than if mommy used "attachment parenting" or the Ferber Method. Then the other part (my mind's evil twin or something) is taunting me saying that no matter what I do they're going to grow up and blame all their problems on me - I'm the mom - it is always my fault, right?
Then I have to take a deep breath and pray and remind myself yet again that while I'm doing everything I can to be the best wife and mom (the two go hand in hand you know) ultimately God is in control and whether they're nursed til they're 6weeks old or 6years old, whether I cry tears of frustration because my two year old ate crayons for what seems like the hundredth time, whether I meet my own expectations or not.... God will guide my children to be the adults that He wants them to be. Thank you, God.

4 comments:

Robotface Shumway (Big Doofus) said...

Lawananananana:

Wow. Way to open up on your blog. I'm not a mom who homeschools, but I'm married to one. So, let me just say that you're not alone. Your thoughts, fears, doubts, etc. sound just like my wife's. If you look at her and think, "she's got it all figured out" then you're not doing all that bad. If you look at her and think, "man, she's really screwed up!" then I WILL FIGHT YOU!

But seriously, you're doing an awesome job and your thoughts are normal. The fact that you care so much is what really matters.

Wani said...

Was this post too much info? I'm still getting used to actually opening up via the blog-world.

Sniz said...

I love how open you were in this post, Lawana! You are such a great mom and a great friend! Keep up the good work!

Toni said...

Lawana,
New friend, this post is BEAUTIFUL! It's real. I completely admire a transparent heart, because it's when others are real that I can relate and feel connected. Lisa Whelchel was really good at that when she was blogging.

Honestly? This post reminds me of something I would read in a parenting magazine or newspaper column for parents. It also reminds me that we can have differences, and yet find plenty to connect with in others. What a gem of a post.
Blessings,
~Toni~