Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Time Out

Nate has really really been testing the limits lately... I'm soooo tired of it. Sometimes I want to leave and not come back. Ok, I would eventually but the couple hours here and there that I get a "break" just don't seem to be enough lately. I'm trying to keep my spirits up but sometimes I'm so overwhelmed with everything... my two year old who tries my patience at every chance, my husband who I love very much but challenges me in so many ways, my son who may or may not be handicapped.... its alot to think about. I feel so alone sometimes.
On a happy note - Nate peed in the potty four times yesterday. Wow... how sad that thats the highlight of my day, probably my week. sigh... I'm not sure who I am anymore sometimes. I don't know how to be a good mom, wife, housekeeper, cook, laundress, chauffeur, lover, teacher, therapist, counselor, sister, daughter, daughter-in-law, friend... not all at the same time... I feel like whenever I choose to do one this thing or that thing I've chosen to neglect something or someone else. You know me, always trying to take care of everyone else. I don't know how not to.
But sometimes in the back of my mind I'm wondering "what about me". How do we find the proper balance between taking care of others and taking care of ourselves? This book my small group has been reading is all about being a Godly wife... and its all give give give... and I agree that a wife is to take care of her husband and family but to what point? To the point of completely neglecting her own needs? I don't know. I'm going on a scrapbooking retreat with Sniz in a few weeks and I'm sooo looking forward to it. I don't even care if I get any scrapbooking done... I'm not setting an alarm, I'm planning on sleeping in, taking a bath (by myself!), I won't have to change any diapers or prepare anyone else's food or dress anyone - that sounds divine to me.


JAN said...

I wish I knew what to say Wani. I felt the same way you do when the boys were little. It's a wonderful, hard, lonely, sweet, exhausting time of life.
I have a friend with 5 kids 6 and under. She figured out a way to balance mom time with little people time. Friday nights are HER night. Right after the kids go to bed she digs out her scrapbook stuff or her quilting and just "plays" until 1 or 2 in the morning. Her husband watches the kids in the morning so she can sleep in.
I think just knowing she has a chunk of time coming helps keep her going all week!

Sniz said...

Wow, I'm looking so forward to that time too, Wani! You're in such a hectic time of life. What small group is going though a book about how to be a Godly wife? I'm curious. Our Care Group went out to eat at Cladaugh Pub last night, and Damien Beard and Kim and I were talking about how busy the time of your life that you're in is. Hang in there!

Thanks for weighing in about my curtains. Wait until you see them done! I got all the fabric at JoAnns for a little over 5 dollars a yard, so ALL of my curtains were 100, and that included tax and trim. I had enough liner for two curtains at home, but I gotta go back today and pick up 6 yards of liner (each curtain is 3 yards long). You wouldn't believe how heavy those things are. THe fabric was really heavy before I lined it...wow. The reason I got such a good deal is that they have this home dec section now next to the regular section with the rolled up fabrics...I've never seen it before. They may have had it though and no one knew where it was. Anyway, the fabrics are beautiful, they are just 45 inches wide instead of 54 or 56. Since I'm not closing these, it doesn't matter and it saved me tons of money. I wouldn't have been able to do new curtains if it wasn't for that. And I so dearly wanted to. There's nothing wrong with what I have, we've just had them for nine years, you know? But I guess that's materialism. We didn't NEED new curtains, but the room sure is going to be neat when we're done!!

TTYS - Sniz

Lilypad Mom said...

My 2.5 year old is moving into the terrible 3's already. In the last 2 weeks the defiance has really started and she has been pushing every button and testing every limit. I'm glad you are taking some time for yourself with the retreat, enjoy every minute!

(I bought a bottle of that wine a couple weeks ago. I saw it in the store and couldn't resist. I haven't tried it yet though.)

April said...

I absolutely relate to it and it helps me feel a little less crazy :) It is still astounding, and frustrating, to me how much continual energy and patience it takes to be the mother of small children. Not that it will necessarily take less energy and patience later on, but obviously these are the formative years and later on they are at least more self-sufficient in a lot of areas. I continually struggle with the blessing of having children versus the loss of freedom I have felt. (Like please, can I just pee without the girls needing something at that exact moment?!) :) "Overwhelmed" describes how I feel too. Somedays it's like "God, seriously? You're entrusting ME with these children?"

Something that I'm chewing on in my mind at the moment is something a professor taught me in relation to counseling, that it is less about "content" (as in information") and more about "process." Basically, it can be easy to get caught up in the details and neglect seeing the bigger picture or progress of moving in the right direction. Realizing this in my own life, I get easily discouraged by my mistakes, or a day in which the girls are very testy, or "marriage patterns" that don't seem to be resolved. I'm trying to remember that God IS moving, that He is building on each experience. Somedays I would prefer to say "Screw the process...the content sucks!!" But then I try to remind myself of growth in me, between Matt and I, or in the girls, and trust that God is still working even if it sometimes feels like things are at a standstill.
Well, I just used all my brainpower for today. I might have even tapped into my meager supply for tomorrow! So...I'm going to feed the baby one more time and pray for a 4 hour stretch of sleep!