Monday, February 11, 2008

First Steps

No, its not what you think. My 10mos old is not walking. Thats the part of the problem. Over the past couple of months I've been holding something in that has actually been causing me great concern, stress, tears, anxiety, fear, regret, guilt... you name it. Considering how much its consumed my thoughts - I've actually talked about it very little.
I know everyone says not to compare your kids but I don't know how not to.Nate was born a few weeks early and was right on with his development. He rolled, sat, crawled and walked all right on target with what the "books" said he should. Joe on the other hand was almost two weeks late being born. I didn't go into labor until I was minutes away from trying Castor Oil. He hasn't reached the milestones that he should have for his age. He is a beautiful boy and the sweetest tempered baby ever and such a joy in our life. But he's 10 1/2 months old and he isn't sitting unassisted or crawling. He rolls..... sometimes. He babbles but hasn't attempted to say any words. He hardly takes any interest in toys or people most of the time. He doesn't have much eye contact or interact with us quite like he should be. We've wondered if he even recognizes us. When we go down the developmental milestone checklists we check off more things on the side labeled: possible concerns/warning signs of developmental problems.
Over the past few months my concern has grown, but every time I would get on the verge of seeking professional help he would do something new and I would question myself. Things like "Am I just being paranoid?", "Does he have autism, cerebral palsy, or something else?", "Is it something I'm doing/not doing?" and "Is he just a little slow in developing and he'll catch up if we give it some time?" keep running through my head. I've been dreading social situations where there will be other babies close to his age because of the "comparing" that goes on. I'm so tired of hearing about other 10mos old babies who are already walking and talking. I imagine in my mind all the judging and pitying that is going on when people realize that my 10mos old only has the motor skills of a 4-6mos old. Well, we finally called First Steps and arranged for them to come out and do an evaluation (which will take place on my birthday - isn't that special). I don't think there is any question that he is developmentally delayed at this point. I think its just a question of what kind of therapy he will need and if its just a delay or something more.
I have a couple of friends who have kids who were a little delayed in their development and after some therapy they caught up and are just fine now. I have spoken with them and hearing about their experiences is encouraging. But we have cousins on both sides of the family that have disabilities. So the thought obviously has crossed my mind that this could be more than just a developmental delay. I hope I don't sound awful here. I love my son more than words can say. I love my family. If there is something seriously wrong with my baby that will not change my love for him. As a mom I want my boy to grow up strong and healthy and I try to do everything that I can to help that happen. I feel so limited right now. I don't have answers and that drives me crazy!
I know I should just "let go and let God" but its just not that easy for me. I know He has a plan for my baby boy and for me and that whatever happens will happen. But I'm human, I want to fix people, I want things normal, I don't want to be challenged, life is hard enough as it is and I don't want my son to have to deal with being labeled L.D. or facing the challenges that come with a physical or mental disability for the rest of his life. I'm trying really hard to pray and leave things in His very capable hands but its so hard not to try to be in control of everything. I don't know why its so hard to not be in control - its not like I know what to do. But God does. He knows exactly whats going on with my son right now and why its happening, and how its going to play out - for better or worse. God isn't worried. Maybe He is just waiting for me to learn some great thing from this whole situation. Maybe He's waiting for me to relax and really relinquish my son into His hands for guidance or healing or whatever he needs. In a way posting this is my own first step toward releasing the power this has had on me and my thought life and letting God take over. I don't know what is going to happen but I know He will see us all through it.

8 comments:

C. Leinbach said...

I love you so much! You are so strong and loving and freaking brave to post your true fears concerns and feeling on this blog! I will be praying for you, Joe and Isaac concerning this matter. I love you all so much and know that whatever the outcome God placed Joe just where he need to be.

JAN said...

Hi Lawana-
A few years ago we went through a period in our lives that was overwhelming. I ran across a wonderful quote that I loved so much I copied it into my bible. It really helped me as day after day we struggled. Unfortunately, I have no idea who said it!
Anyway, I'd like to share it with you and I hope it brings you some comfort too.

God is too kind to do anything cruel, too wise to make a mistake...too deep to explain Himself.

Along with that goes the verse
Romans 11:33.

Jesus bless you guys!
love,
Judy

Anonymous said...

Lawana!

Thanks so much for sharing this, you are so awesome! I will be praying about this and for you every day. Little Joe is so special and God knows all these details and their outcome. He has it all set up for his own good.

Love,

Leah

Rosheeda said...

I haven't been in this particular circumstance, but I do know that God moves only in His time and way. And I know that you can trust Him...

I also know how much He delights in us giving Him everything - even the feelings and fears we have that are not-so-pretty...

I'm praying for you, and THANKS!!! for visiting my blog, by the way.

Anne said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Tommy said...

Thanks for the comment. We hope you guys will be able to make it down!

blueberrybaby said...

Aww... you are an amazing and strong mama, and you'll be able to handle whatever comes your way. What's most important is that you unconditionally love your little guy and you are going to do what's best for him.

Lindsay said...

You are a very strong woman. I will be praying for you and your family. Please put up an update on how he is doing with the First Steps. You are right that God is not worried!