Tuesday, September 16, 2008
I am overwhelmed by everything to do with Joe. Isaac it seems is ever the optimist when it comes to Joe - always believing that eventually Joe will catch up. I try to think that way too. But in the back of my mind I'm bracing myself to be taking care of him for the rest of my life. And that is kind of scary, you know. I mean, I have always wanted to be a mother... but I do not think I knew what I was signing up for. I hope I don't sound awful... I love my son and I will do whatever it takes to care for him the best that I can. It is just too much sometimes - to think of the big picture. I need to stop thinking about the big picture and just think about today. But how?
It seems especially hard because we really have no idea what to expect. But he's such a happy little guy, he brings joy to our life in so many ways. But he also brings doubt, stress, fear and questions too. I know God is in control and He has a plan but I'm just afraid His plan isn't what I want it to be. I want Joe to grow strong and healthy and be able to live a full life, you know? What mother doesn't want that for her kids? I know I need to just give it all over to Him (that is what everyone keeps telling me) but when its your child's life... how do you let go of that? sigh... ok - I'll stop rambling now.