Friday, March 14, 2008

Far Far Away

Ok, so my church is having a Women's Retreat this weekend. I was frustrated that it ended up being the same weekend as the Hearts at Home conference which I wanted to go to but since I can only be in one place at a time the church retreat won. I have been looking forward to getting away for a night child free! . But part of me my mom-complex! has a hard time leaving my husband and boys to fend for themselves (though my sis and bro are spending the night to help out). Plus its alot of work going away... the planning, the packing, the planning for the people you're leaving behind.... sometimes it feels like more trouble than its worth.

Josiah had his 1yr appointment at our family doc's office today. Obviously he was concerned about the delays just like the rest of us. Basically he agreed with the steps we have taken (contacting First Steps, hopefully starting PT and DT therapy soon, getting hearing and vision tested soon) and with potentially seeing a neurologist (though there is some debate as to who to see). Also he found that the heart murmur that he had noticed before but didn't think much of in the beginning is still there. So he wants us to get an ultrasound to check that out. Later today I heard from one of the therapists we chose and she hadn't seem Joe's paperwork so she asked a bunch of questions that we've already been over many times. It stirred up feelings that had kind of settled down over the last couple of weeks. While nothing really new was brought up I just feel drained from everything thats been going on and am overwhelmed. I want to know that everything will be fine. I don't want to feel so helpless and out of control. My head hurts from thinking too much, my eyes hurt from crying too much and my heart hurts from worrying too much.

Sometimes I wish we could pack the boys up and go to a beach somewhere and just relax. Really relax. Lay on the beach, play in the surf, sleep in a bed that someone else will make, eat on dishes that someone else will wash, lay on the beach some more... far away from my house that needs cleaned.... far away from all the worries that I let myself get consumed with... far away from un-answerable questions from well meaning friends and family... far far away.

6 comments:

Emily said...

If you ever need help as a Mothers Helper type of thing let me know. I would love to help you out. Or if your 'mommy group' would like to all go out for lunch, that could work too. I have my license now so no worries about that any more!

Thanks for commenting on my blog. If you ever photograph a wedding, I would love to tag along and learn a few things from you.

Sniz said...

Girl, you said it so well! I could have written this (well at least the last part). I want a vacation from responsibility to go along with the beach and the warm weather. Don't you wish we had the money and could just go. I love reading your honesty. Thanks for sharing!

Anonymous said...

Escape...that is word on my mind a lot lately...that's what far far away makes me think of. I want it so bad and it seems no where in site.

Thanks for sharing and helping people know they are not alone in their feelings.

Lehi

Amanda said...

i can definitely relate--not to the specifics, of course--but to that feeling of just wanting to get away. we have been riddled with sickness at our house the past week or so...and its just exhausting. i suppose it is times like this where i need to work especially hard to focus on what is true and good and blessed in my life...

Anonymous said...

Lawana, I had no idea that Joe was even having issues...I will be praying for your family, sorry I haven't done so sooner! Let me know if you need anything!!!
-Jaclyn

Sniz said...

I want to go far, far away right now!